loved you better

This time of night when all the air is full

of ages’-worth of magic, and the warlocks roam

and women hide their children from the evil eye

and soldiers’ ghosts walk battlefields

and fires fall low to murmuring coals,

an incantation for, against, the darkness – who

could tell us which? – and people’s souls

are wandering off to dreamland homes

or wastelands filled with other kas,

this time of night the dead things wake and

torn-up dreams form patchwork quilts

with seams of did and didn’t, and

this time of night I wish I’d let you

hold me like you wanted to.

This time of night when tide sighs out, revealing

to the knowing moon the shores it hid away just for its own,

and night skies deepen with the shine of stars

that twinkle softly with the age-old secrets that they’ve kept,

and lovers wake just barely, reaching fumbling hands out

to be sure they didn’t dream the one whose heart

their heart calls home, and little creatures run

with silent paws and eyes that turn to diamonds

under probing flashlight beams –

this time of night reveals all treasures, and

the lost things that I’ve buried, and

this time of night I wish I’d let me

hold you like I wanted to.

This time of night when coolness falls on sun-scorched grass

and innocents lie deep in peace and bats skim low

and all the mountain-rims and valleys throb with hope

for one more day, and night watchmen sigh, relieved

when skies hint that the world still turns

and livestock stir inside their pens – I think of all

it means to rest, to trust, to love, and even though

each millimeter of me remembers what

we didn’t say or do, still, I can’t shake the certainty

that there are better ways to treasure,

better ways to love sometimes.

And as I breathe slow deep long wistful,

let the night fade soft away,

I lay to rest these treasures –

what we said and didn’t say,

what we did and didn’t do,

that in the end I loved you better

than I wanted to.